


Never Drink the Funny Juice!

by murmeltearding



Series: Gotham weirdness [6]
Category: Gotham (TV), Watch Dogs (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Attempt at Humor, Drinking, Drugs, F/F, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Gender or Sex Swap, Language, Multi, Polyamory, Weird Fluff, genderbent, general weirdness, weird crap, weird crossover
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-06 10:27:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20505443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/murmeltearding/pseuds/murmeltearding
Summary: Wrench and Phil drank something funny, not knowing it could make stuff happen.But stuff happened... and now they got lady parts.





	1. Drinking the Drink

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably the weirdest thing I ever wrote. It's a crossover plus genderbent story and it's the first time I actually thought about the plot before I started writing, so stay tuned, something good might be coming!

It was a late Saturday morning after a late Friday night of drinking. Phil woke up, mouth dry as the Sahara, yawning. He reached for the bottle of water on the nightstand, drinking greedily, and lay back down, watching his still sleeping lover Wrench. The sun, half hidden behind the thick cloud cover, weakly shone in through the south facing window, bathing the room in a cold, unfriendly light. Phil stretched his arms and legs, yawning some more and reached down into his boxers to scratch his nuts, like he did every morning.

Except for… there were no nuts this morning.

His fingers moved right past where his dick usually lay and down into an abyss. No, it wasn’t an abyss actually, but a very familiar cleft. Familiar in principle, not on his own body though.

“What the fuck?” Phil muttered, sitting up, clearing his throat. His voice sounded different. And now that he thought about it, his chest felt different as well.

Lifting the covers revealed a small, but nice and firm pair of boobs on his naked chest. “Wrench! Wake up man!” He reached over to shake his lover.

“Go away…” Wrench muttered, slapping away his hand. Wrench’s voice sounded different, softer.

“Wake up man!! Something’s happened!” Phil insisted. “Wrench!” He grabbed the shoulder again.

“WHAT!” Wrench shouted, jerking upright and turning to face Phil. His face went from angry to surprised to pleased to confused. His eyebrows rose and he blinked a few times, squinted at Phil’s chest, then up at his face as if he wasn’t sure what he saw. “Am I… still tripping? How much acid did we take last night? And… what’s happened to my voice?”

Phil didn’t answer just pulled Wrench’s blanket down to expose an equally new pair of boobs, a little bigger than Phil’s own, pointing at Wrench accusingly. He squinted, looked away and back before getting closer to Wrench and cupping his breasts.

Wrench looked down on himself as well. “Stop groping me, you pervert!” He tossed the blanket over Phil’s head to examine his new body in peace. He had slept in the nude and was presented with a nice view of a brand new vagina where his dick used to be.

Phil pulled the blanket away to have a look at Wrench as well. “I think this is real,” he said, reaching for Wrench again, farther down this time.

Ignoring Phil, Wrench let his fingers glide over his new anatomy and inside, examining himself or was it herself now? He whimpered in surprise when his fingers glided over the new body part and hit a familiar, yet strange spot on the very top end. “Dude, I… hmmm… I have a clit! Fuck, this feels nice!” He let his fingers glide over himself again, mesmerized by the feeling. It was so very different than everything he was used to. It felt like there were about ten times as much nerve endings everywhere he touched. Phil’s hand sliding up towards his new breasts, over his erect nipples made things even better.

“Fuck, man… I feel odd for not having a boner,” Phil mumbled. His hand slid into his boxers as well. He was familiar with the workings of a vagina and just did the same he’d do when touching a woman. “Holy shit!” he muttered. “Is this what sex feels like for women?”

+++

They took their time exploring their new bodies. It was almost two hours later when they finally emerged from Phil’s room.

Alex sat at the dinner table, noise cancelling headphones on, sipping coffee, leafing through the newspaper. She took the headphones off when she noticed Phil running towards her. “Finally,” Alex muttered.

Phil had on his beloved silken Kimono. It felt amazing on his new, sensitive nipples. “Watch this!” he said, unknotting the belt.

Phil had pulled that move on Alex often enough for her to know what was going to happen. She put a defensive hand in the air before her, shielding herself from seeing Phil’s dick. This time around though… there was something new about Phil’s body. “What the fuck?” Alex frowned, letting her hand sink down and getting up from her chair.

Wrench chose this moment to come out of their room as well, wearing a black slim fit t-shirt and a pair of boxers.

Alex blinked a few times. The new shape of Wrench’s body was visible even with clothes on. There were curves where there hadn’t been any before. “What did you guys do last night?” Alex said, walking around her friends, inspecting them from head to toe. Both still towered over her and had the overall same body type: tall, skinny, but with added curves.

Phil’s sparse chest hair had vanished, as had his splotchy beard. Instead, he had a curly, brown mane on his head, hanging down to his shoulders and a soft, hairless chin.

Wrench’s ashy blond hair had grown to about chin length, straight as a ruler. The undercut he’d had before had grown over completely. His tattoos were still where they had been, but the Anarchist A on his neck looked different with his Adams Apple gone.

“Just had a few drinks, a few drugs, nothing special,” Phil nonchalantly said.

“And you decided to grow lady parts just like that?” Alex stopped in front of her friend, crossing her arms.

“Your guess is as good as mine,” Phil shrugged.

“Dude! What about that bottle we found in that dumpster?” Wrench chimed in.

Phil’s eyes went wide. “The funny juice!”

“Please tell me you didn’t drink anything weird you found in a dumpster! This is Gotham for fuck’s sake!” Alex groaned.

“But…” Phil started.

“What were you even doing in a dumpster?”

“Wrench wanted to show me how he… she… whatever, could jump on top of a dumpster from standing… he… she… we just didn’t realize the lid was open and he fell right in!” Phil chuckled.

“And then Phil dared me to drink that bottle I found and I mean… I’d have lost face if I didn’t…”

Alex moved towards Wrench and pulled at the waistband of his boxers, looking inside. “And because you did drink it, you only lost your dick! Wow! Smart!” Alex made a face at them, nodding sarcastically. “Why did you drink it too?” She let Wrench’s waistband snap back and looked at Phil.

“Because he said it tasted funny…”

Alex groaned and turned away. “I’m living with two fucking idiots…”

“But you love those idiots,” Wrench said, hugging Alex from behind, “right?”

Alex squirmed in his embrace. It felt weird having boobs pressed against her back. “Yea… fuck!”

“We love you too!” Wrench kissed Alex on the cheek and tried to get her to turn her head so they could kiss for real. Alex moved out of Wrench’s reach and struggled free of his embrace.

“Give me a couple hours to digest… this,” Alex said, motioning up and down Wrench. And in a much lower voice: “I never kissed a woman… someone who had lady parts… before.”

“Sorry, what?” Wrench said, stepping around Alex to look her in the face.

“I… I dunno, I never felt the urge…” Alex shrugged, looking at the floor.

“Please let me be your first!” Wrench grabbed her by the shoulders, rocking her back and forth. “Please please please!”

“Yes, okay… just… not now!” Alex said.

“Alright.” Wrench let go of her, lifting his hands before her in a look-how-harmless-i-am-gesture. “Whenever you’re ready,” he grinned and sat down at the table where Phil had put two cups of coffee. “This… feels really odd, by the way,” Wrench muttered, motioning to his new crotch. “I get now why women don’t wear boxers. This feels all wrong… Can I look through your underwear drawer for something to find? Not at all for pleasure!”

“Well, if it isn’t for pleasure, I can hardly say no, right? It’s just… I don’t think my clothes will fit either of you. My curves are a bit more… ample, as you might have noticed,” Alex muttered.

Wrench nodded, licking his lips, “I see your point.” He reached out to let her hand slide over the mentioned ample curves.

“I can take you shopping later though. I mean, we don’t know when or even IF whatever you drank will wear off, right?” Alex shrugged.

Phil choked on his coffee. “Fuck! I hadn’t even thought about that!” He looked between the other two, eyes wide.

“Should have thought about it before you drank some mysterious stuff from a dumpster, huh?”

“Come on Alex… what are the odds of some weird drink making you grow lady parts? I’m not Alice and this out there isn’t Wonderland!” He motioned out the window over the city.

“Umm…” Alex pointed at the front page of the newspaper. “Mad hatter on the loose again.” the headline said.

“You did this on purpose!” Phil pointed his finger at her.

“Sure… I called the Times last night to tell them to put that on. Because teasing you is my sole purpose in life.” Alex rolled her eyes.

Phil huffed and took a sip from his coffee.

Wrench got up from his chair and gave them each a kiss on the temple. “Play nice,” he said and vanished into the bathroom.

When he came out again, his undercut was back, only on the right side though. It looked good with his longer hair. Edgy. And combing his hair to the left hid most of his scar. His normal clothes looked pretty good as well. The ripped jeans hugged his ass quite a bit tighter than before, the T-shirt was tight in just the right places, showing off his body without looking too trashy, despite it being obvious he wasn’t wearing anything underneath, probably thanks to his studded vest hanging a on his now much narrower shoulders.

Phil gave an appreciative whistle. He himself looked awful once dressed. He had never been what one would call fashionable, wearing mostly T-shirts with idiotic puns printed on them and ill-fitting baggy pants or jeans. Female Phil looked like a teenager that had gotten into her older brother’s closet. Alex had managed to get some order into his long hair and had bound it in a high ponytail to keep it out of his face. “You have to use my conditioner when you wash it next time,” Alex said. “I bet it looks glorious after that!”

“Boxers don’t feel right with that kind of naughty parts,” Wrench complained again as they walked through the busy mall. “And my nipples are way too sensitive! Do you always feel like that?” he turned towards Alex.

“If I went braless, yes,” Alex laughed. “We’ll find you something, don’t worry.”

“And men keep staring at me!” Wrench went on. Alex had put some makeup over the parts of his scar his hair didn’t hide and he had left his mask at home. He had seemed comfortable when they’d left. Now Alex wasn’t so sure anymore.

“You better get used to men staring. You’re pretty now!” Alex teased, putting her arm around Wrench’s waist.

“You just wait until I’m getting some good clothes! I’ll show you pretty!” Phil muttered, crossing her arms over his chest and letting out an appreciative noise. “Damn, that feels nice,” he muttered, squirming against his own arms.

“Stop touching yourself!” Alex said.

“But it feels so good! How do you guys NOT touch yourself?” Phil said, giving her boobs a good squeeze.

A mother with a young child saw her and angrily grabbed her kid’s hand and pulled it away.

Alex slapped Phil’s arm and pulled her hands to her sides. “STOP IT,” she repeated.

“Jeez, okay! Don’t freak out on me!”

Alex steered them into a big apparel store that sold everything from underwear to shoes. It was cheap, on top of that. Alex did most of her shopping there or in thrift stores around town and she was positive they’d find something for her friends.

They made their way to the very back of the store where they underwear section was. Alex tried to guess the right sizes for them and helped Phil find something that would fit him. He chose the skimpiest, laciest bras and thongs he could find and vanished into the first changing booth.

Wrench seemed a bit unsure. “I mean… I like that stuff on you but I feel it’s not really my style,” he muttered, walking through the aisles with Alex, holding on to her hand insecurely.

Alex had to agree. What would she wear if she was a punk?

“Fuck, this is painful!” Phil’s shout made them turn towards the changing booths.

Alex pulled her hand out of Wrench’s grip and hurried towards the booths. “You okay?” She said, opening the curtain just enough so she could stick her head in.

“No! This is awful! How can you wear this?” Phil had on a lace bra and matching thong. It looked stunning on his slim frame. “This is creeping into my buttcrack and this…” he stuck his fingers under the bra wires, “is cutting into my skin! Are you seriously wearing this all day?”

Alex chuckled. “I’d wear something like that for special occasions only… in the hopes of whoever I’m wearing it for getting it off of me ASAP.”

“Oh, good, because I won’t wear that! Any of it…” Phil motioned at the rest of the bras he’d taken to try on. “I’d rather go commando!” He awkwardly reached behind his back, trying to open the hooks.

Alex reached out to help him.

She stepped out of the booth again to find Wrench with a couple of unadorned black sport bras and matching panties, holding them up for her inspection.

Alex nodded appreciatively. They fit his style and they’d be much more comfortable than the stuff Phil had chosen.

They finished their shopping pretty quickly after that. Phil decided he didn’t like anything on offer and Wrench just wanted to continue wearing whatever he owned and only switch out the underwear.

“You’ll have to learn to do makeup. I bet you could rock a cat eye,” Alex said as they walked out, stroking Wrench’s face. “And your skin is so soft…” She got on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

“Hey you lovebirds,” Phil interrupted their moment. “I still need clothes! I want something sexy, not something like… this,” he said, tugging on Alex’s tank top.

“Fuck you too, Phil,” Alex made a face at him, pushing him aside with her hip.

They slowly continued walking through the mall, passing stores upon stores, food, clothes, electronics. Phil seemed pissed and disinterested until a sex store in the farthest corner caught his eye. “YES!” he exclaimed, speeding up his steps.

“Oh god,” Alex muttered, sharing a glance with Wrench.

They followed a short distance after Phil and he excitedly received them into the store, holding up a black leather dress, strapless and so short it would probably barely cover his ass.

Phil grinned at them brightly and vanished in one of the changing booths. A shop assistant helped him get into the dress while the other two amused themselves browsing, making fun of the incredible shapes and sizes of dildos and vibrators they sold. “I like… liked yours much better than any of those,” Alex whispered.

“Good thing I made a replica then, huh?” Wrench chuckled. “We can all profit from my ingenuity!”

“You can finally fuck yourself,” Alex said, “with your own dick!”

“Right!” Wrench nodded to himself. He seemed genuinely happy about those new possibilities.

“Lo and behold… the new and improved Phil,” Phil’s shout interrupted them.

The dress fit him like a second skin, showing off his perky boobs, his small waist, his firm ass. Alex had to admit he looked breathtakingly good… until her gaze travelled over Phil’s hairy legs. They kind of spoiled the picture.

“What is it?” Phil looked down at himself as well. “I should probably shave…” he slowly said, bending over to scratch his legs. “But I need shoes to go with this first!”

“We have some shoes right here,” the clerk said, not commenting on Phil’s body hair. She was probably used to stuff like this.

Phil’s feet were still the size they’d been before but the clerk found something for him anyways. The heels were so high, they made Alex’s feet hurt from only looking at them. Phil put them on and towered over Alex even more than before. He would have to be careful not to bump his head into doorframes when he wore them.

Alex stepped next to him to steady him for the first few steps but Phil stalked through the store like he’d never worn anything else, looking surprisingly graceful.

“Watch this, Alex! This is how a lady walks!” he said, walking up and down, posing like he was on a catwalk.

“I hate to admit it, but I’m kinda jealous,” Alex said.

“Yea… because I’m a true woman, not a tomboy like you two,” Phil teased.

He left the clothes on and ditched his old ones right in the store, promising the clerk to come back for more, even going so far as filling out a form for a frequent buyer card.

All male gazes were drawn to Phil from the moment they left the store. A lot of female ones too.

Wrench seemed glad he could hide in Phil’s background. He was obviously uncomfortable in his new body.

Alex walked with Wrench a little behind Phil. “Are you okay?” she asked Wrench.

“I feel kinda… out of it, I don’t know,” he muttered, awkwardly rubbing his arms.

“You’ll be okay,” Alex said. “We’ll get you back to being a man. We just need to figure out how…”

Wrench thought for a moment. “We should check that dumpster where we found the stuff.”

Phil stopped before them so abruptly they almost ran into him. “I’ll go in there!” he said. He obviously hadn’t listened to any of what they’d said. “I want all that fur gone!” He pointed at the waxing studio to their right.

Alex grimaced. “Have fun!” She wasn’t a big fan of waxing. Her skin was much too sensitive to pain to try it more than once. “Where was it?” she said, turning back to Wrench. “Do you think we can trace it back to the source or something?”

Wrench took a deep breath. “I’m honestly not sure where we were last night… we had a lot to drink and stuff… Maybe Phil remembers.”

“He seems kinda happy with all this,” Alex said watching Phil talk to the clerk through the shop window.

“Phil always wanted his own pair of boobs,” Wrench snorted.

Alex grinned. “Let’s get coffee.” She had a feeling Phil wouldn’t just get her legs waxed. This could take a while.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get heated up. The trio decides for a course of action.

Wrench and Alex had barely sat down with their coffees when a guy approached them. He seemed awfully confident despite his mediocre looks. He had good hair, full, dark, healthy looking, but that was about it. His face was too soft for Alex’s taste, his jaw too weak, his body too broad and too short. And he most definitely wore too much perfume.

His outfit could only be described as a toned down version of Wrench’s style. A slim fit black T-Shirt that stretched over his broad chest, black jeans, black, ratty converse and a few visible tattoos as well, but nothing compared to Wrench.

“Too bad you already have your drink. I’d have loved to treat you,” Mr. Mediocre said, pulling a chair from the neighboring table and sat down, gaze fixed on Wrench.

Alex rolled her eyes.

“I like your style,” he said reaching out to touch one of the studs on Wrench’s shoulders. “Don’t often see a girl that pulls off that many studs!”

“Don’t touch me,” Wrench said, moving out of his suitors’ reach.

Mister Mediocre seemed to take Wrench’s movement as an invitation. He pulled his chair closer and reached out again.

Wrench moved towards Alex, holding on to her thigh. He seemed scared. What was wrong with him? Male Wrench would probably have punched the guy in the face by now.

No matter the reasons, Alex stepped up. “Can’t you see he…. she doesn’t want you to touch her? Just let us have our coffee in peace,” she said, moving in Mister Mediocre’s line of vision and pushing his arm down.

“Don’t touch me, fattie,” he said, seeming almost offended Alex dared to even think about touching him.

Alex blinked at him slowly. “Yea, sure, because me touching you is a bad thing, but you touching my friend is okay? What the fuck, dude?”

“You better show some respect, bitch! Do you even know who I am?”

“Don’t know, don’t care. Now kindly fuck off!”

That seemed to get through his thick skull. He got up and looked down on him, letting distaste show on his face. “You’re both ugly anyways.”

“Good thing we’ve made that clear.” Alex shot him her broadest, fakest grin as he walked off, giving them the finger.

“What the fuck was that?” Wrench muttered, looking at Alex. He seemed close to tears.

“Nothing, forget about that guy…” Alex said, putting her arm around him.

“That was fucking awful!” Wrench buried his face against Alex’s chest.

She pulled him into a hug and held on to him for a few minutes.

Silent sobs shook his body. “Can we please go home?” Wrench whispered, voice barely audible over the noise of the coffeeshop.

“Sure, come on,” Alex got up and pulled Wrench with her, longingly looking at her half-drunk coffee. “We’ll text Phil to meet us at home.”

+++

Phil was so happy with his new, hairless body, he told them he’d go out with his new friend from the waxing studio to make “the best of this god given gift,” instead of joining Wrench and Alex at home.

Where Phil seemed happier and happier, Wrench seemed more miserable by the minute. “My stomach hurts,” he said when they entered their flat. “My boobs too… Do female bodies always hurt so much?”

Alex thoughtfully shook her head. Wrench didn’t seem to tolerate whatever they’d drunk very well. They should probably go see a doctor about this… but what would she tell them? “Hey, my friend used to be a guy and then drank some weird juice and now he’s a woman and in pain. Can you help him?” Probably not.

Alex made Wrench comfortable on the sofa, blanket, hot water bottle, tea and Downton Abbey. She sat down with him, putting his head on her lap and gently let her hands travel through his hair. Normally, she’d let her fingers glide over his chest when they hung out like that, but that didn’t feel right. She focused her attention on his head and hands instead, patting him, massaging him, comforting him.

“This is nice,” Wrench said, snuggling against Alex. “You’re always so nice!” Tears were glistening in his eyes again. “And Phil and I are being such idiots all the time,” he whimpered.

“Don’t cry,” Alex whispered, patting his hair.

“But I feel so sad… And I want some chocolate! Do we have chocolate? Or ice cream? Damn, I want ice cream! And cookies!”

A suspicion slowly formed in Alex’s head. She knew those mood swings all too well. Cravings, aching boobs and stomach, bouts of crying for no obvious reason… Alex got up to get ice cream, cookies, Nutella and her beloved garlic crisps, for good measure. If that wouldn’t cure Wrench’s ailment, nothing would.

Wrench seemed happy with Alex’s selection and munched away on ice cream topped with spoonfuls of Nutella and a garlic crisp every now and then, focused on the TV. He seemed content, until…

“NO! NO FUCKING WAY! Did… did Matthew seriously just… die?” Wrench exclaimed, spoon hesitating midair to his mouth. “They can’t be serious! After everything they’ve been through!” He looked at Alex, disbelief plain on his face. “Why can’t they just be happy?” Tears glistened in his eyes again.

“Because viewers would get bored if they were happy,” Alex tried to make light of the show. She pulled him closer and kissed his temple, letting her lips linger on his skin.

Wrench turned and their gazes met. Other things might have changed, but his eyes were the same; sad right now and grey, but Alex knew they could also sparkle with mischief and joy and look pale blue in the right kind of light. The long lashes that had always made her a bit jealous looked even better on a female face.

Alex lost herself in his gaze.

Wrench put his arms around her and pulled her closer. Their lips met. Wrench’s were still chapped but the fine stubble of beard that usually added some harshness to kissing him was gone. His kiss was different yet the same. His taste hadn’t changed, neither had his moves, but his smell was different as was the chest that pressed against hers.

Wrench let go of Alex long enough to press pause on the remote. He shot her a look she knew just too well.

Alex couldn’t hide her grin. Some things would never change. Wrench crawled on top of her, pushing her down on the couch, his lips finding hers again.

Their hands started wandering, exploring each other. Wrench’s arms and shoulders felt much of the same but the farther down Alex reached, the bigger the differences became. His waist was slimmer but widened into a nice, firm ass. This was Wrench, but it wasn’t.

Alex found she didn’t mind in the slightest. She loved him, her, no matter which gender.

“Damn, I’m so horny!” Wrench muttered between breaths, eagerly grinding against Alex’s leg, craving friction.

It was a bit disappointing not to feel an erection press against her. Alex didn’t know what to do. She didn’t mind kissing, but with never having kissed a woman, she’d of course also never had sex with a woman. She wasn’t entirely sure how to go about it.

Wrench didn’t have any such qualms. His hand moved into Alex’s pants without hesitation, slowing down her train of thought. His fingers still knew her body like before.

“Can… can I…” Alex muttered.

Wrench stopped moving and looked at her expectantly.

She gathered her thoughts. There would never be a much better opportunity to lose her girl on girl virginity than with her lover who was suddenly female. “I want to touch you,” Alex said, pulling Wrench’s hand out of her pants and going to work unbuttoning his instead. She hesitated when she realized she’d never actually touched a vagina that wasn’t her own. “I’ve never done this,” Alex admitted. “You’ll have to guide me.”

Wrench nodded, an impish grin spreading on his mouth.

They rolled over so Alex was on top.

Wrench undid his pants and pulled them down a bit so Alex had a better angle.

She slowly moved her fingers inside, watching Wrench’s reactions, thinking of how she liked to be touched and trying to imitate the movements.

Wrench seemed to like it. His eyes were closed and soft whimpers in a much lighter voice than Alex was used to came from his mouth, encouraging her in what she was doing. His noises didn’t sound like Wrench at all, but at this point, Alex found she didn’t care.

Wrench’s body and mind had been overly sensitive all day long and that didn’t change now. It took Alex all of five minutes to bring him over the edge, climaxing around her fingers.

Alex watched him fall apart, kneeling between his legs, slowly pulling her hand out of his pants. On a whim, she licked her fingers, tasting him. His juices tasted familiar, yet not. It wasn’t too bad, actually.

Wrench watched her from heavily lidded eyes. “I’ll never get over how amazing female orgasm feels,” Wrench weakly mumbled, closing his eyes, pulling Alex down with a jerk so she came to rest on top of him. “I mean… male is nice, but feels like one single firecracker, you know? Female is… like a minute long firework, with all kinds of different sprinklers and rockets and a whole lot of firecrackers… I could get used to that.”

Alex liked the picture he painted. With his mind occupied with talking and making up poetic comparisons, he would hopefully forget about how shitty he’d felt a few minutes ago. Alex kissed him on the neck, slowly, gently, tenderly, watching him babble on about fireworks.

+++

They had managed to make it to bed before they fell asleep on the sofa. It was still dark when Wrench shook Alex awake. “Alex… Alex! Wake up!”

Alex groaned in reply.

“I… I think I peed myself… Everything’s wet…”

Groaning some more, she sleepily reached for the switch on her bedside lamp. It took her a few tries to find it and she had to give her eyes half a minute to adjust to the light before she could look at Wrench. He pulled away his blanket and they found him lying in a pool of blood.

“Fuck,” Wrench exclaimed. “Did you break anything while you were in there?”

Alex groaned once more and sat up. “You got your period. Come on, get up.”

“W… what?” Wrench didn’t move.

“Period, you know… your body shedding its uterine lining…”

“Eww, don’t talk about it like that.”

“You better get used to it. It’s one of the many many perks of being a woman,” Alex muttered. It was three in the morning. She wasn’t in the mood for delicate sensibilities. “Now get up! I need to soak this before it sets.”

Wrench climbed out of bed. He seemed baffled and confused and looked forlorn.

Alex sighed. She remembered the first time she’d gotten her period. She’d felt much of the same. “Go get a shower. I’ll deal with this,” she said, her mood softening a bit. “It’s okay, don’t worry.”

“It’s a lot! Are you sure I’m not going to die?” Wrench said, looking down on himself and on the soiled bed.

“Yea, I’m sure. I’ve done it a lot and look at me go,” Alex muttered, stripping the sheet off her bed, eyes half closed.

+++

“I’m so sorry,” Wrench muttered, coming out of the shower five minutes later. He had wrapped his towel around his waist, like he was used to doing it.

“Don’t worry, it happens to the best,” Alex said, reaching for his towel and wrapping it around him one tier farther upstairs. “I got pads and tampons in the cabinet on the toilet. Do you think you can figure out how to use them?”

“Remind me which hole they go in,” Wrench said, awkwardly clutching the towel in front of his chest.

Alex groaned. The sad thing was she wasn’t sure if he was serious. “The one you’d stick your dick in.”

Wrench hesitated, looking at her unsure.

“Not in the ass, you… ass!”

“Alright! Got it!” Wrench made fingerguns at her and waddled off.

Phil was still out and Alex’s mattress was too wet to go to sleep on after she was done cleaning up, so they claimed Phil’s room for the night and went back to sleep. He wouldn’t mind.

+++

“Alex… Alex!”

Alex was rudely shaken awake for the second time that night. She blinked a few times. “Hmmm?” The first hint of sunrise illuminated the room enough so Alex could make out Phil’s face close before her.

“Why are you in my bed?” he said. His breath reeked of cheap booze.

“Hmght” Alex said, closing her eyes again. She was too tired to talk.

“Help me get out of this dress,” Phil said. The mattress gave under his weight as he sat down and Alex blindly reached for the zipper on his dress, weakly pulling it down.

Phil got up and a minute later the water was turned on in the bathroom. Alex dozed off again.

“Scooch,” Phil suddenly said, climbing over her to come to rest right between her and Wrench. His damp hair smacked Alex in the face as he got comfortable.

“I had two dicks inside of me today! At the same time!” Phil excitedly whispered, mouth close to her ear, seeming awfully proud of himself. “I think I’m going to try for three tomorrow! Being a woman is fucking great!”

Alex groaned.

Wrench didn’t make a sound except for his snoring.

“Please tell me you used condoms…” Alex said, waking up a little more, but still not enough to open her eyes.

“Do you want to be mad or do you want me to lie?” Phil asked, wrapping his arms around her from the side and squeezing her tight, probably more to annoy her than for joy.

Alex groaned again and freed herself from his grasp. She couldn’t deal with Phil’s idiocy now. It was too early. She’d punch him later.

+++

They slept or dozed past noon, all three of them, snuggled up in a nest of warmth and cuddles.

“Do you remember where we found that bottle?” Wrench asked a tired looking Phil over a very late breakfast after they finally made it out of bed.

“Sure… we wanted to have clams and went to that chain restaurant… John’s Clams or what was it? They were closed, so we wandered off…”

“There’s 11 branches of Jack’s Clams in the city.” Alex muttered, munching on a piece of toast. This wasn’t helpful at all.

“Yea, but we went to the one close to your old place… because their chowder is the best,” Phil said, sitting up straighter. Alright, that narrowed things down.

“They make all the chowder at their HQ… it’s the same everywhere,” Alex said, chewing. She took a moment to swallow her bite as another thought jumped into her head. “On a much more important note though: you fell into a clam dumpster?”

“Yea, of course! How did I forget that? It stank like… like… I don’t know… really really bad in there. My shoes probably still smell like it, in case you care to have a sniff!”

“No thanks,” Alex said. “I used to work there, I’ll remember the smell for the rest of my life.” She shuddered at the memory and put down her toast. Her appetite was gone.

She got up and went to search Wrench’s battered laptop. “Do your thing! Find out what’s close to that restaurant,” she said, putting it before him.

“You mean… use nudle maps?” Wrench chuckled, brushing off his hands and opening the laptop.

“I don’t understand your mumbo jumbo, just do the thing,” Alex said. She had never been good with computers and didn’t care to get any better at it.

“What for?” Phil interjected.

“So we can find a cure for your… problem,” Alex motioned at Phil’s chest over the table.

“But… I like being a woman!” Phil put down his spoon and tried staring Alex down.

“Just wait till you get your period,” Wrench said, wincing as another cramp hit him.

“You… got your period?” Phil said, grinning broadly.

“Shut up! If I get it, you’ll get it too!”

“Or not, considering you had two guys fuck you without a condom last night…” Alex said, rolling her eyes. “What were you thinking?”

“I mean… it was my first time technically, so I can’t be pregnant, right?”

Alex exhaled so deeply, air from when Phil and Wrench were still men must have left her lungs. “Please stop talking,” she said, leaning her face on her hands. “How can two adult guys be so clueless about the female body?”

“Yea, about that…” Wrench said, “I think I’m leaking again.”

“Change your fucking tampon then,” Alex said, not looking up. “Take the old one out first!” she added, just to be safe.

“Seriously? As if getting it in wasn’t hard enough I now have to get it out as well?”

Alex fake sobbed and put her head on her crossed arms on the table. “What else did you think was going to happen?”

Wrench went to do as Alex had told him.

Phil leaned back in his chair, taking his cereal bowl with him, looking at Alex over the rim of it. “Just so you know, I think your idea is shit,” he said. “Whatever it was that made us into women, it will wear off eventually. It has to, right?” He looked at Wrench who emerged from the toilet for help.

“I don’t know… I never drank some weird juice that made me into a woman before…” Wrench said, sitting down again. “This tampon business gets easier with practice,” he said towards Alex. “Did you notice how much quicker I was this time?”

“Good job,” Alex said, giving him a thumbs up without bothering to look up.

+++

Wrench’s online search didn’t bring up anything useful in close vicinity of the dumpster.

“So we’ll have to do this the old fashioned way,” Alex decided, getting up from the table.

“Meaning what?” Phil said, putting his spoon in his empty cereal bowl with a clatter. He leaned back in his chair and stretched his arms over his head.

“Go there and see if we can find anything…” Alex shouted. She was already in her room and looking for clothes. “I won’t go alone! You better get dressed as well, come on!” she added, when she didn’t hear her roommates move.

+++

“Why do you care about this so much?” Phil asked once they were in Alex’s car. She was in the driver’s seat, Phil rode shotgun and Wrench sat in the back.

Phil had put on some of his old clothes, jeans and T-shirt, but had knotted the shirt on the bottom, so his flat stomach was bare. It was autumn, a tad late in the year for showing so much skin, but he had refused to listen to Alex when she’d told him so.

“I don’t get how you care so little,” she said, turning to him. She wore some old jeans and a baggy sweater. If they went dumpster diving, she wouldn’t soil any good clothes by it.

“It has only been a day and a half,” Phil said, holding on to the overhead grip and looking out the window. “I just don’t get the hurry!” He sounded like a fed up kid.

“Maybe you’d get the hurry if you were in the same excruciating pain as I am,” Wrench whined from the back seat. “How long did you say this is going to last?”

“Anywhere between three and seven days,” Alex said. “Don’t worry, those painkillers are going to work soon…”

“Yea, and the LSD we took will too,” Phil said, looking at Wrench over his shoulder, a broad grin plastered on his face.

“Are you friggin serious?” Alex wanted to glare at them, but traffic demanded her full attention. Monolith Square was awful at any time of day and with rush hour in full swing, it was bordering on impossible to get through. Alex cursed herself for having taken that route and the guys for being such idiots.

“It was only a tiny little bit,” Wrench grinned. “We still had some left over from the weekend and we wouldn’t want to let it go to waste, right?”

+++

Traffic cost them about 20 minutes. Despite being annoyed by it, Alex wasn’t particularly sad about the holdup. She hadn’t left Jack’s Clams on good terms exactly and didn’t particularly look forward to going there again.

When they arrived, Alex slowed down. Police cars surrounded the restaurant, bathing everything in flashing blue lights.

Alex drove around the corner to find a parking spot when Harvey stepped in her line of sight. The sides of the road were blocked by the police cars and after looking around for a few seconds, Alex shrugged and stopped right behind one of them. She could take that liberty if Harvey was there.

Wrench audibly swallowed on the back seat. He wasn’t a big fan of police. “Do you mind if I stay in the car?”

“Yea, me too!” Phil said, looking at her.

“Hell no! This is your mess! Get out of this car and act like grownups! I’m not your mother!” Alex barked, reaching for the buckle on Phil’s seatbelt. “Out!”

Phil and Wrench both got out, looking like beaten puppies as they walked towards what was obviously a crime scene.

Harvey spotted Alex the same moment Alex spotted Jim.

No.

She didn’t want to talk to Jim. Ever since their breakup, things were painfully awkward between them.

“Alex, what are you doing here? And who are your friends?” Harvey said, coming towards them, ducking under the police tape to stop the trio.

“What are you guys doing here? What happened?” Alex countered, looking over Harvey’s shoulder.

“A woman died here last night. Doesn’t look like it was an entirely natural death…” Harvey interrupted himself and gave Phil a once over. “I didn’t know Phil had a sister.”

“I don’t,” Phil said, pulling up straighter, grinning broadly.

“Neither does Wrench, before you ask,” Alex said, feeling tired.

Harvey blinked a few times, looking between them. “What happened to you then?”

“We’re trying to find out exactly that,” Phil chimed in. “Hello James.” He beamed at Jim approaching them.

Alex involuntarily took a step backwards from Jim.

Jim looked as confused as Harvey as he looked Phil over.

“Like what you see?” Phil stepped towards Jim, looking down at him and reaching out to caress his face.

“What happened to you?” Jim repeated Harvey’s words, absently pushing Phil’s hand away.

“Wrench and I drank some juice we found in that dumpster over there,” Phil explained, pointing at said dumpster.

Wrench had carefully kept in the background until that moment and awkwardly waved at the mention of his name.

“And then this happened,” Phil motioned up and down his body, posing for the confused looking Jim and Harvey and a couple Uniforms that were curiously watching them.

“You drank dumpster juice,” Jim said dryly, pointedly ignoring the fact that Phil was playing with his tie in what was supposedly a seductive manner.

“Yea, it’s what us young people do for fun… not that you guys would know anything about that, would you?” Phil teased, bumping his finger on Jim’s nose.

Jim swatted him away like a fly. “Can you help me bring some sense into his blabbering?” he said, looking at Alex.

She stepped closer, swallowing awkwardly. “I wasn’t with them when they drank the stuff. All I know is they woke up like this the next morning,” Alex said, reaching for Wrench’s hand.

Harvey nodded to himself and walked towards the Forensics Techs processing the scene behind them.

He came back a minute later with a glass vial in an evidence bag. A small amount of blue liquid was at the bottom of it. “You wouldn’t happen to know this vial, would you?”

Phil took the bag from Harvey’s grasp, making sure to let his fingers glide over the older man’s arm as he did so. He had really perfected this whole flirting thing. Alex envied him a bit.

Looking at the bag from all sides, showing it to Wrench, Phil put his head to one side, then the other, squinting at it. Wrench acted much of the same. That was probably the LSD kicking in. Alex should have left them in the car.

“Might be the vial,” Phil finally deduced. “Can I taste it to make sure?”

“Absolutely not!” Alex snatched the bag from his fingers and gave it back to Harvey. Who knew what would happen to them if they drank more of it.

“We need this for testing,” Harvey said. “And we’ll need some blood samples from you two as well. Come by at the Precinct later.”

“Umm… can we maybe come by at a later time? Let’s say two weeks from now?” Wrench softly said.

“Make that three!” Phil eagerly agreed.

Jim sighed, looking at Alex as if it was her fault the two acted so stupidly. “We won’t prosecute you for whatever kind of drugs you are on,” he said.

“Well then… we’ll be there later today,” Phil said, taking a step towards Jim again, licking his lips. “I’m looking forward to seeing you again, James.”


End file.
